Like any self-respecting Tom (cat) Dick or Harry, I too have lost many an hour staring through the window at many a bird. There are the ones who get your attention for the right reasons; couple of tits jiggling past giving me the glad eye, and then there are the others – the pigeons!
On one particular heady session, the television in the corner of the family living room caught my eye and distracted me for a moment– an Advert for the new Bond film “Skyfall” flashed up.
As previously confessed, I am not Choupette. I cannot relate to the fast cars, flash gadgets and fierce enemies. But I can relate to the fast lifestyle. The James Bond lifestyle is the backbone of every film, and true to form the trailer contained drinking and womanising.
Whilst I am no stranger to a tipple, I am still coughing up Stella Artois furballs from Christmas 2011, I am most defiantly no stranger to women.
Bond himself didn’t waste time with the pigeons, and neither should you or I. Mr Bond always had an array of famous pussy surrounding him whom he was obsessed with. From Pussy Galore (meow) in Goldfinger, to Blofeld’s cat in From Russia with Love.
Some of my purrsonal tactics are a bit hit and miss. For example, it turns out not every female likes to be jumped on, bitten, or approached from behind. So with this in mind, I’ve adopted the gentleman’s guide to ensure you’re always surrounded by pretty kittys:
1. Be Unattainable
Apparently the ladies love a man who only wants casual relationships. When will women learn? They want the power to be able to “decode” a man and save him from himself. Brilliant news lads if you’re also a mysterious loner who doesn’t want to be tied down. However, for the castrated cat, this proves to be slightly problematic.
2. Be Physical
Yes Bond has the muscles, but can he lick his own arse? I think this is where I will bring back the edge I lost on point 1.
3. Be Sexual
See point 2.
4. Be a Snappy Dresser
Often I dress up, not of my own accord, but I think you’ll agree I look pretty snappy in a dickie bow tie. Failing this I have a curly coat, and who doesn’t like a man with a perm!?!
5. Be Smarter than the Average Fox.
Slightly animal racist point here, but I am willing to overlook it. I am smart enough to steal the food of the queen I share with (nothing serious Choupette, I promise.) Also, I can sense when food is near, and eat at an impressive pace. Surely a brilliant survival tactic?
6. Be comfortable around Danger.
Did I mention the time I jumped from a great height, only to land on my feet again? Just one of my many talents.
So there it is; a cool cat’s guide to James Bond’s success with women.
Next time I will offer help avec some of my family’s problems.
The French reference was for you Choupette. If you’re Impressed with anything you have seen or read, you know where I am, mon cheri.
Feel free to share any thought or feeling you have. Any other necessary skills I have missed?
Or follow on Twitter: @iamnotchoupette
All My Love Kitty Cats,
Harry x X x